I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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