What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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