in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
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