defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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