Pants 0. Shit 1.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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