i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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