he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
