My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
