There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
