I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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