Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Everyone says I win the strip club
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
