I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
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I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
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How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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