I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
