Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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