I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I supernannyed him into submission
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
