Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
