I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
