I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
