Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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