Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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