I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
do nipples grow back?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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