I wish I could punch you in the face.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
