It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
