Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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