I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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