Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
