Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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