If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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