the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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