My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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