I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
