I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
