Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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