sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
