I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
