Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
