I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
