You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
