If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
