i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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