This dress was meant to end up on your floor
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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