This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
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