dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I got inside last night via doggy door
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
