Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
