So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I smell like Dick and happiness
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