i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
