first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
