what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
