JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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