his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
