Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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