Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
