Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.