i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.