you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
